Another eve of the New Year is upon us.

2018 was a year spent on a roller coaster ride with a gentlemen that has ended with a wait and see.

A wait and see on his end.

As I reflect over the course of the past year with him, I see all the red flags, the ones that serve as a warning to run away fast. Or at least proceed with caution.

I thought I could pull them straight out of the ground and discard them, but as soon as I pull one out, another one pops up in its place, like a magician pulling out an endless assortment of multicolored handkerchiefs from his sleeve.

Sigh…

But I love him. Or rather I want to love him. As I’ve said before, love is a choice. The mind should control the heart. I think if more people controlled their emotions with their intellectual power, much grief and horror would be averted.

But then again, where’s the fun in that?

It’s been ten days since I’ve seen him, over two months since our lips touched, and I’m not certain when he plans on seeing me again. In a week? In two weeks?

It’s simply a wait and see.

I could forget him. If I’m honest, I’m already starting to forget. I could just let the memories fade away. My hands are getting pretty tired of pulling out the red flags.

Only…it took me six years after my divorce to finally open up to a man. Six years of being alone. I think I could have continued on my solitary journey if I had not tasted intimacy again. But now that I have, I want it. Oh do I want it.

But the eve of the New Year is upon us.

Now would be a good time to get off the roller coaster, to remove the jacket with the never-ending assortment of handkerchiefs attached, to put the red flags behind me.

Now would be a good time to take back control, to remember I’m worth more than a twenty-ninth slot on someone’s list of priorities, and six years of loneliness is nothing compared to a lifetime with the wrong person.

What happens next?

I guess it’s still a wait and see.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: